Why "Everything Happens for a Reason" is a Shitty Thing to Say to Someone Grieving
- Marina Resa
- Jun 18
- 3 min read
When someone is grieving, we are often eager to help make the person feel better. The phrase "everything happens for a reason" often slips out in an attempt to comfort, but it usually does the opposite. Whoops! Why does this well meaning attempt to sooth someone when they are in pain miss the mark?
Why We Say It
People often say "everything happens for a reason" because they want to make sense of suffering. It’s a way to find order in chaos and offer hope that pain will lead to something good. Sometimes, it’s meant to reassure the grieving person that their loss has a purpose, even if it’s not clear yet.
However, this phrase assumes that the person grieving shares the same beliefs or is ready to accept that idea. It also suggests that the pain they feel should be justified by some greater plan. This can feel like a demand to move on or to find meaning before they are ready.
Why It Feels shitty to Hear It
For someone in grief, hearing "everything happens for a reason" can feel like:
Invalidation of their pain: It implies their suffering is not real or important unless it leads to something positive.
Pressure to find meaning: Grieving is a personal process that doesn’t always include understanding why something happened. Sometimes bad things happen for no reason.
Isolation: It can make people feel alone in their experience if they don’t believe in fate or purpose.
Dismissal of anger or sadness: These emotions are natural parts of grief that deserve space, not quick fixes.
Imagine losing a loved one suddenly. The pain is raw and confusing. Being told there is a reason behind it might feel like someone is minimizing the depth of that loss. Also, sometimes bad things happen to good people. There might not be a reason. Period. Sometimes life just sucks.
What Makes This Phrase Harmful
The phrase can unintentionally shut down conversations about grief. Instead of listening and validating feelings, it redirects the focus to abstract ideas. This can leave the grieving person feeling pressured to make sense of something philosophical when they really just want you to hold space for their pain.
Grief is not a problem to be solved. It is a process to be experienced. Saying "everything happens for a reason" can make it seem like grief is a puzzle missing a piece, rather than a natural response to loss.
Better Ways to Support Someone Who is Grieving
Instead of relying on clichés, try these approaches:
Listen actively: Let the person share their feelings without judgment or interruption.
Acknowledge their pain: Say things like "I’m so sorry you’re going through this" or "This must be really hard for you."
Offer presence: Sometimes just being there is more helpful than any words.
Avoid quick fixes: Don’t rush to explain or justify the loss.
Offer up help: Bring over a meal or offer to come help fold some laundry. Small acts of kindness go a long way when someone is in the thick of it.
These responses show empathy and respect for the grieving process.
When Meaning Comes Naturally
David Kessler is famous for introducing the 6th stage of grief, "finding meaning." Some people do find meaning in their grief over time. This might come from personal growth, new priorities, or deeper connections with others. But this meaning should come naturally, not be forced by others. Although it can sound like the same thing, "everything happens for a reason" and "finding meaning" are actually quite different.
It’s important to let people find their own path through grief. Imposing a reason can feel like denying their unique experience.
Final Thoughts
Saying "everything happens for a reason" to someone who is grieving often causes more harm than good. It can invalidate feelings, pressure people to find meaning prematurely, and isolate them in their pain. So what should you do instead? Offer genuine empathy, listen, help, and just be there.
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